I trust Becky’s judgement of the President’s letter being abstract and pompous and needing to be revised. As only an interim editor, however, she is torn between asserting herself to the President whose work is supported by the Vice-Presidents and keeping the standard for publishing readable articles.
If I were Becky, I would edit the letter on hand and show both versions to the Vice-Presidents. To avoid putting the President in a humiliating situation, I will get the opinion of the Vice-Presidents about the edited version and find out what they think about it. If they agree that it is a better version, then I can tell them to present it to the President and get his consent to publish the edited version. If the President does not agree in publishing the edited version and explicitly instructs to publish his original letter, then I must do so.
Writing Improvement Exercises
6.1 Flabby Expressions
a. Although we lost the contract, we must at this time move forward.
b. Because the process are falling, we will invest in the very near future.
c. We cannot fill the order until the payment for previous shipments is received.
d. Generally, we would not accept the return; however, we will probably make an exception in this case.
6.2 Long Lead-Ins
a. I received your e-email and its attachments.
b. Monday will be an official holiday for everyone.
c. Your homeowner’s coverage expires soon.
d. The loss of laptops endangers company security.
6.3 There is/are and It is/was Fillers
a. Many businesses implement strict policies.
b. The CEO must approve the plan.
c. You must update several Web pages.
d. There are many employees who did not return the health surveys.
a. Because the proposals are identical, we need not check every item.
b. All requests for iPods and BlackBerrys were combined in our proposal.
c. The office walls were painted beige.
d. Our supervisor requested that team members return to the office.
6.5 Empty Words
a. He scheduled the meeting for 11:00 in the morning.
b. Because of the positive response, the company expanded its free gift program.
c. I have your proposal with me, and I shall distribute it immediately.
d. Do you know that our budget has a deficit of around $100,000?
6.6. Trite Business Phrases
a. As you requested, we will no longer send you email offers.
b. Thank you for considering our plea for community support.
c. At your request, we are sending the original copies separately.
d. Enclosed is a check in the amount of $700.
6.7 Clichés, Slang and Wordiness
a. Although our last presentation failed, our next presentation will surely succeed.
b. Our team must be willing to think differently to come up with innovative marketing ideas.
c. As expected, our competitor claimed that we think it is unfair.
d. If you refer to the budget, you will see provisions on how to keep the budget.
6.8 Buried Verbs
a. Ms. Nelson appraised the home’s value.
b. Web-based customer service reduces overall costs.
c. Management recommended to abandon the pilot project.
d. The board of directors will consider the contract at its next meeting.
6.9 Lists, Bullets, and Headings
a. Here at SecurityPlus, we specialize in preemployment background reports, which include the following:
* professional reference interviews
* criminal reports
* driving records
* employment verification
* credit information
b. Our MBA program covers the following essential information:
* how to start a business
* how to write a business plan
* the essentials of taxes
* how to write a feasibility study
* employment benefits plans
* business licensing requirements
c. Our on-site GuruGreek computer technicians can provide your residential and business computer
problems with fast and affordable solutions. Our services include:
* security services from:
malicious hacker programs
* wireless network (for sharing Internet access to many computers while using only one router)
* data backup and recovery