Ancient Mayan calendars prophesize great disaster deaths of political figures and that which is ‘awesome’. Though the Mayan grasping of the awesome concept was limited, they were able to construct 2 large stone tablets that were recently translated from Not English into English. While this does not imply that the tablets were originally in Gaelic it does imply that they are that awesome. The writings on the tablets are translated into the “10 Steps to Being Awesome.” It was believed that these steps were known as commandments because of intelligence revealed from the Infinite Improbability Drive which seemed to suggest the Awesome Mayans worshipped them. Unfortunately with the translations of the tablets and the exact improbability of this has created confusion.
Carbon dating has been extremely helpful in aiding awesome researchers in discovering the ruins, fossils, and archeological artifacts from the island in Jurassic Park. The carbon dating technique was used on the awesome tablets and the results were quite controversial. According to top scientists in the study of Awesome, the tablet itself is a few thousand years old while the writing on the tablet is infinity billion years old. There is no ‘unawesome’ way to explain this.
The 10 steps listed on the tablets are fairly short and yet the ability to comprehend them is reserved for those that are already awesome. While some debate the redundancy of this, recently a man known only by his first name Steve, has come forward in protest claiming that if an unawesome person just follows the steps they too can be awesome, but only if they’re already awesome to begin with. This, of course, is the same Steve that claimed to have been the 14th disciple, that he was too awesome to be in a book, and that Jesus originally didn’t have a beard ‘till the roundhouse kicked one on the savior’s facial region’. Due to his past transgressions, Steve’s credibility is in question. In addition, Chris Rock was a disciple too.
First, you will need to procure “An Awesome Mindset” for step one. Having an awesome mindset is comparable to living in a fantasy except this fantasy is real. As real as Santa or the Easter bunny (they are awesome).Unfortunately, if you do not think you are awesome then you are not awesome. In order to be awesome, you must reject everyone else’s reality and substitute it with your own. Your fantasy world therefore becomes the real world.
Second, having friends emphasizes your awesomeness even though awesome people do not need any friend. Thus, this develops to step two: have a friend named, “Steve”. Steve, while having a strong desire to kill you, will be your greatest asset on the road to being awesome. This could not possibly be the Steve mentioned earlier though it does raise some questions about who exactly Steve is.)
Step three, though argued to be unnecessary, involves the use and non-use of illicit drugs. Those that are awesome do not do drugs, but in order to be awesome one must do drugs. While this creates a logical paradox that cannot be solved by unawesome means it does, however, confuse a majority of the population and thus deter the unawesome people from becoming awesome. Awesome people have the discretionary option available to do drugs and not do drugs at the same time.
There comes a time everyday where awesome people need to eat in order to maintain their awesomeness. This is where Step four, Taco Bell, comes into play. Taco Bell stands at the pinnacle of awesomeness and without its awesome, Awesome would not exist. It was due to Taco Bell’s influence that existence existed. One night, The Flying Spaghetti monster brought home Taco Bell for a late night snack and due to Taco Bell’s awesome infused burritos The Flying Spaghetti Monster used it’s awesomeness to create all that exists today in all it’s awesome glory.
Speaking of subsidence all that awesome filled food needs to be washed down with some even more awesome super drink. According to Step five, anyone who is awesome drinks Red Bull all the time. The previous statement is to be taken literally. Scientists believe that Red Bull does, in fact, give you wings though these are likely to be malformed and not have utility in any way other than for scaring children. Red Bull has also led to the discovery of Awesomminium which is believed to be the most awesome element in existence.
Having studied the steps thus far has likely raised the question of, “What will I do with all this awesomeness?” The answer to this question is step six: throw an Awesome Party. The requirements to throw an awesome party are to be awesome and to already have been throwing an awesome party. While most see conflict with this they are not nearly awesome enough to understand the awesomeness of throwing an awesome party. In the past any attempts to throw a party instead of an Awesome Party have been met with hostility from the indigenous pygmies of the forest.
Perceived reality may be widely accepted by unawesome people, but it is not accepted by those that are awesome. Step seven involves having the ability to defy physics. Obtaining the ability to defy physics is an awesome trade secret. Every attempt to even theorize the potential for the ability to defy physics has angered Steve greatly. When asked why, his response involved spider webs and anger. Research has revealed that the answer may exist on the internet and that trying really hard might work. This however is a lie; nothing on the internet is true… ever.
Language comprehension is a very important aspect of being awesome. Being able to speak the universal language of awesome is not always enough. Those that are awesome tend to know anywhere from fifty to eighty billion languages at any given time. However, the most important language, Gaelic, brings us to Step eight. While understanding the Irish language is not necessarily a requirement to being awesome, it is a widely accepted norm among those that are awesome. Its benefits aid in a greater understanding of life and its awesomeness. For help in learning Gaelic, go to Ireland and live there for 60 years.
Next, step nine involves the drive to be awesome. Without a will or desire to be awesome, those that are awesome would not be awesome, they would be unawesome. Having the drive to be awesome involves denial to its most metaphysically extreme levels. Denying your lack of a scorned friend, Steve, refusing to accept your lack of Red Bull, and simply not accept the fact that you cannot defy the laws of physics and pull a bowl of pudding out of someone’s ear.
Finally, the most important step is the last step. Step ten dictates the purchasing of life insurance. There is no simple explanation to life insurance other than it is mandatory for all those that are awesome to purchase as much as possible on themselves. Strangely, life insurance has only been around for 4500 years which means that the ten steps were around before life insurance. There is a reference to an “Awesome Mandate #3104-11.34,1” unfortunately there is no record of this “mandate” but Steve has told us that we just were not awesome enough to read. Again, this creates a redundancy showing that only those that are awesome can use the ten steps to becoming awesome in order to become awesome.
After review of these tablets and the translation of the steps it is believed that being awesome is not so much a level of achievement as it is a severe mental disorder. Fingerprinting of Steve has led to the discovery that his name is not Steve, but Darrell. Darrell is not awesome and possesses no degree of any kind of awesome.