I liked one topic sentence towards the end of the essay, where you aptly set the focus of the paragraph. Consider this: “Another health risk of eating pork meat is due to its association with many epidemic diseases.” Here, you clearly tell the readers what you would discuss in the paragraph, that is, diseases caused due to eating pork. This supports your view/position against eating pork.
Now, let us consider the last sentence of the introduction as the thesis: “To determine that pork is healthy to eat one must examine the different between pork meat and other meat; as well as, evaluate the health risk of eating pork.” Now, it is not clear what your position is. What is your view/position on eating pork? What are the supporting reasons for your views? How would you persuade the readers to your viewpoint?What would you like to convey to the readers? Answering these questions would make your thesis strong. From the current thesis, neither your position, nor the supporting reasons come out strongly.
Let me illustrate with an example: "The internet is a boon of modern technology because it continues to revolutionize communication, makes information more accessible, and saves man’s most important resource – time.” Here, I have stated my position on internet along with the supporting reasons. Now, I would develop these three ideas in the essay.
I would suggest that you frame a similar thesis which states your position along with the supporting reasons. For more on this, click on this link: Thesis Development.
Consider this sentence from the first body paragraph: “Cows are known for having a complex digestive system, having four stomachs. Thus, it takes over twenty-four hours to digest their vegetarian diet causing its food to be purified of toxins. In contrast, the pig's one stomach takes only about four hours to digest its unclean diet, turning its toxic food into flesh.” Now, you have compared cows and pigs digestive system. But, what does it prove? How might you use this to support your claim? How might you explain that pork is harmful, and then use it as a supporting point? Answering these questions would help you to strengthen the content so that your position is reflected from the content of the body paragraphs.
Now, in your next draft, I would suggest that you use the content to support your claim. Merely bringing out the differences may not serve your purpose. So, strengthen the content. For getting more information, you can refer to the link: Developing Ideas. Grammar & Mechanics: I noticed some subject-verb disagreements in your writing. Let us revise this aspect, Sultan.
Consider this: “Another effect of pork fat is that cholesterol that is found in the cancer rover cell are like the cholesterol which are found when eating pork meat (High Blood Pressure).” Now, the subject is singular. But, the corresponding verb ‘are’ is plural and does not agree with the singular form. This is an error.
- The boy is going.
- The boys are going.
Notice how the subject and verb agree in number in the above examples. How might you revise your sentence, Sultan? In your next draft, revise your draft for similar errors.
For more on this, check this link: Agreement Between Subject and Verb.
Summary of Next Steps: Sultan, your work would become stronger with some improvements. Now, here are a few suggestions to improve your essay:
- Frame a strong thesis which states your position along with the supporting reasons.
- Strengthen the content by making your ideas support the position that you take.
- Avoid subject-verb disagreements.
Thank you for sending in your essay, Sultan. It would be wonderful if you revise your draft keeping the suggestions in mind. Best of luck! - Basundhara S.
Find additional resources in Smarthinking's online library:
You can find more information about writing, grammar, and usage in Smarthinking's student handbooks. You can visit the Smarthinking Writer's Handbook or theSmarthinking ESOL (English for speakers of other languages) Writer's Handbook. Please look for more comments in your essay below. Thank you for visiting Smarthinking. We encourage you to submit future essays.
The Danger of Eating Pork
Human race,Man is used to eating meat in all forms .and iI It has been a part of our diets for a long time. However, in recent years many nutritionists have raised warnings againstwarned us about the consumptiondanger of eating some forms of meat, for example pork mostly. ResearchersMany people argue that in support pof the notion with such logics that pork contains more unhealthy elements that healthy factorspork is far from being the unhealthiest meat and lamb and beef are much worse. Even some researchers have interlinked pork consumption with cancer.Others believe that there is no connection between pork and cancer; thus eating pork is healthy. [If you state your views here, the readers would be able to follow the essay easily. Merely stating the two sides of the topic is not enough. In fact, from the next sentence, it appears that you might take a position stating pork is healthy to eat which is contrary to your views. So, make your views clear at the beginning of the essay.]However, Tto determine theat accurate feature of pork ins reference to health and associated risks. it is essentialy to eat one must examine the specifications of different between pork meat and against other forms of meat; as well as, evaluate the health risk of eating pork.
A glimse of cookedJust by looking at a dish of beef or lamb gone cold with a layer of fat the obvious observation, many people think is that pork is far from being the unhealthiest meat as compared to these. AsW when a dish of beef/lamb goes cold, the fat solidifies which. This is an indication of the saturation and length elementof the fatty acids that make up the fat. Generally, saturated fats and long fatty acid chains make fats that congeal at higher temperaturesThat. Hence, the layer of fat over the other types of red meat is an indication of the saturation and high content oflength of the fatty acids present therein. that make up the fat. On the other handHowever, the lement of fat in chicken if you take a look at chicken fat, it sits around remaining liquid / gravy. So is the case with Pork fat. is more like chicken. Besides, the pork fat also have an option that allows one toyou can always trim excess fat off the pork before cooking it. Hence, the use of lean pork is always an option for healthy consumption, considering the element of fat in the meat.[Now, what does this argument prove to the readers/audience? How does it support your view? Rather than focusing on the comparison, make sure that you persuade the readers to accept your viewpoint.]
Getting back to the argument of interconnection of pork meat with cancer is more logical to comment after reviewing the specifications of the element. Although,Moreover, many people have proved that there is no connection between pork and cancer and; thus, eating pork won’t affect their health. Yet, for the sake of argument, the reference study between cancer patients and pork meat eaters do not establish any link. Infact,In addition, there is no significant difference in the mortality rate from colorectal cancer in vegetarians compared to people who eat meat. Moreover,The pork meat consumers they state that pork can easily be a healthy part of a well-balanced healthy diet. Many cuts of pork are as lean as skinless chicken. Lean pork is a great source of lean protein and many essential vitamins and other nutrients. At the same time, Many cuts of pork are as lean as skinless chicken.
The feed of the animal isBesides, it is widely known asthat pigs eat anything including excrement, dirt, decaying animal flesh, maggots, or decaying vegetables. In reference to the concern that tThe meat and fat of a pig absorbs toxins like a sponge from such consumption.; Ttherefore, their meat can be more toxic than beef or lamb. However, the point to ponder from comparative analysis is that Also, when eating beef, it normally takes eight to nine hours to digest the meat, a. As a result what little toxins are in the meat are slowly instilledput into in our system which is later to beand can be filtered by the liver in human body. Conversely, when pork is eaten, it takes only four hours to digest the meat which allows no time to toxins for making any impact on the human body. Thus we get a much higher level of toxins within a shorter time. [How might you use a comma after the introductory element to separate it from the main sentence?]
However, evident are the associated risks that deters the element a compromise from certain dimensions. Firstly,Moreover, pigs do not sweat or perspire. As a result, the toxins remain within its body and in the meat. Additionally, pigs have parasites within them, such as tapeworms, flukes, worms, and trichinae. Many scientists have proven that there is no safe temperature forat which pork can be cooked to ensure the elimination of that all these parasites and their eggs will be killed. The pig is the main carrier of the taeniasolium worm, which is found it its flesh. These tapeworms are found in human intestines with greater frequency in nations where pigs are eaten. This type of tapeworm can pass through the intestines and affect many other organs, and is incurable once it reaches beyond a certain stage.
Another major difference in pork and beef meat is in reference related to the digestive system. Cows possessare known for having a complex digestive system, with having four stomachs. Thus, it takes over twenty-four hours for them to digest their vegetarian diet causing its food to be purified of toxins. In contrast, the pig's one stomach takes only about four hours to digest its unclean diet, turning and absorbing its toxic food into its flesh.
Furthermore, the otherThere are health risks of eating pork are on ground ofdue to its fat. The cholesterol from pork's meat appears in human body as semi-cholesterol which cause arises in the blood pressure and arteriosclerosis. Blood pressure will cause heart attacks, strokes, and kidney failure (High Blood Pressure).
In general, Hhealthy arteries are flexible, strong and elastic. Their inside lining is smooth so that blood can flow unrestricted. Over time, too much pressure in your arteries can make the walls thick and stiff, sometimes restricting blood flow to other your organs and tissues. This process is called arteriosclerosis. The cholesterol from pork's meat appears in human body as semi-cholesterol element which cause arise in the blood pressure and arteriosclerosis. Blood pressure increases chances of heart attacks, strokes, and kidney failure (High Blood Pressure).
Another effect of pork fat is that cholesterol that is found in the cancer rover cells are like the cholesterol which are found when eating pork meat results the(High Blood Pressure). The other raised concern byAdditionally,Dr. Al-Dakr implies that eating pork can also lead to gallstones and obesity, probably due to its high cholesterol and saturated fat content.
The pig is the main carrier of the taeniasolium worm, which is found it its flesh. These tapeworms are found in human intestines with greater frequency in nations where pigs are eaten. This type of tapeworm can pass through the intestines and affect many other organs, and is incurable once it reaches beyond a certain stage.
One of the major risk thatFurthermore Pork contains is that ifa high rate of sulfur. High percentage of sulfur leads to neurological effects and behavioral changes, disturbance of blood circulation, heart damage, effects on eyes and eyesight, reproductive failure, damage to immune systems, stomach and gastrointestinal disorder, damage to liver and kidney functions, hearing defects, disturbance of the hormonal metabolism, dermatological effects, and suffocation and lung embolism (Reckeweg). This is why sulfur percentage in pork's meat is dangerous and affects almost every part in your body.
Another health risk of eating pork meat is due to itsThe association of eating pork meat with many epidemic diseases is snother concerned health risk. It's amazing that pig is rich pasture is rich withfor more than 450 epidemic diseases. Moreover, and it is also playing the role of intermediary to transform 57 diseases towards human race man. Researches confirm thatIn addition,the pig itself is responsible alone to transform 27 epidemic diseases to human. and sSome other animals are also considered to contribute in the disseminationparticipate it in other diseases but pork is considered the basic and core it stills the store and the main source of these diseases. These include as: Ththe liar hydrophobia, Wile disease, Japanese fever, Malta fever, Scrofula, Meningitis,krip epidemics, The pig's flu and others(Reckeweg).
Precisely, the balancesheet of pros and cons makes it evident that people should refrain consuming pork, as unlike beef or lamb, pork meat is considerably unclean It's clear now why people should stop eating pork. Unlike beef or lamb, pork is unclean. Hence, it can be concluded thatEating pork leads to many health problems because of the high rate of the fat and the high rate of sulfur it contains. People need to start realizing that pork is not as good as it may seem and its delicious taste is not worth catching and harvesting a worm farm in their body.
Al-Dakr., Mohamed Nezar."The Pork Forbiddance."The Quran Miracles Encyclopedia. 2005. 28 Nov. 2009. <http://www.55a.net/firas/english/?page=show_det&id=6>.
Eunyoung, C. Smith-Warner S. "Frequently Asked Questions:Pork and the AICR/WCRF Second Expert Report." Meat and fat intake and colorectal cancer risk 45 (2004).Theotherwhitemea t. 28 Nov. 2009. <http://www.theotherwhitemeat.com/aspx/all_about_pork/PorkDetails2.aspx?id=92>.
"High Blood Pressure."Heartpoint. July 1997. 28 Nov. 2009. <http://www.heartpoint.com/highbloodpage.html>